Recipe: magical spaghetti sauce

One thing I can’t help doing from time to time is making a giant vat of tomato sauce which I then eat with pasta. I can’t call it “marinara” or “bolognese” or any other authentic Italian word because it’s not an authentic Italian recipe — but I think an Italian would say it’s not bad. Can be vegan or extremely not, as your tastes dictate.

1. Chop a small yellow onion (or half a large one) fairly finely.
2. Optional: slice a bunch of crimini mushrooms.
3. While you’re at it, might as well peel some garlic. Dare you use an entire clove? I say you dare.
4. Put a large pot such as a Dutch oven over a high flame.
5. Pour in enough olive oil to coat half the bottom. I don’t know, a quarter cup?
6. Toss the chopped onion in and sauté until transparent.
7. If you have sliced mushrooms, you can add them at the same time as the onion.
8. If you wish to add animal products, I recommend sweet Italian sausage, ground beef or turkey, any or all of the above, in whatever measure suits you. Say, 3 sausages and a pound of turkey? Or no meat at all? If you do this, add it shortly after the onions and mushrooms.
9. Now: add 3–4 of those big cans of San Marzano (or Roma) tomatoes. Crushed? Puréed? Whole stewed? up to you. You’re the one who knows what you like.
10. Now is when I crush the garlic and add it.
11. This is a good time to add a glass of wine to the sauce. If you don’t drink wine and don’t want such a thing in the house, then offer a non-alcoholic toast to your favorite saint. How about Saint Herman of Alaska? If you don’t like saints, just sing a verse of your…